Questions I have for God

• Why do you sometimes heal people and sometimes not? How do you choose who?
• Do you think its funny when I make jokes in my prayers or does it make you want to smite me? (What is your sense of humor like?)
• How do you feel about irony?
• Tell me about “good fat” and “bad fat.” Avocado- good fat. French fries- bad fat. What’s the difference? I could ask a scientist or the internet this one but I might as well go straight to the source.
• How do you decide which babies to let be miscarried and which ones live full term? I know its not how much the mom prays, I know its not that you’re not powerful enough to let them all live, I know its not that you don’t love some people as much as other people, and I know its not because you lost that battle to Satan. You don’t lose battles to Satan, right? Hold up.
• Do you ever straight up lose spiritual battles to Satan!?!?!
• Do you sometimes let him win?
• Why?!?!?!
• Oh wait. Humans are the ones who let him win, right..? We ate the apple and did the bad thing so it was us. Generally speaking, we are all in pain because of the “fall of sin.” So how do you choose the ones who are in A LOT of pain and the ones who aren’t? Is it random like a coin flip? Why do people die and I have bipolar disorder and why do some people lose their babies and other people just get to eat taffy and pet their cats and have a full term pregnancy?
• HOW DOES GREEK YOGURT HAVE SO MUCH PROTEIN???
• Do you let people be in pain to “teach us a lesson?”
• Does my dog realize that when I kiss her on the head it means I love her?
• Does it make you sad that people on earth who all deserve the same ultimate fate get such different circumstances temporarily?
• Are you mad that I don’t get any of it and that every once in a while I wonder if I even like you?
• I would LOVE to hear your brainstorming process behind the creation of certain animals. A jellyfish??? A sloth??? Elephants with their giant noses?!?! Amazing. Bravo, God. Bravo.
• When we pray for something is it ever, like, 50/50 whether or not it would be a good thing or is it always very clear to you? Like if I pray that I won’t bite my cheek during breakfast today are you like no sorry you have to bite your cheek cuz if you don’t then the small Hungarian boy won’t ever know the name Jesus in ten years. Or are you like no cuz screw you Susannah I laugh when you bite your cheek because of that joke you said in your prayer last night. #SMITED. Or are you like uhh I don’t really care about that, maybe you should learn to chew better? Or are you like sure Susannah! It won’t really affect anything negatively so I will grant you your wish because I love you and hate pain. Or are you like no because Satan loves when people bite their lip and I’m busy battling archangels who are possessing an Indian man right now stop praying for dumb stuff. This has gone on long enough. Next:
• How come you didn’t make the “moral,” “judicial,” and “ceremonial” laws from Leviticus more clear cut? Can’t you see that we are all just guessing down here..? It really throws a wrench in the whole evangelizing thing (don’t even get me started on that word). I feel annoyed with you and the Bible for it. Sorry but ain’t nobody tryna decipher whether or not we have to show the priest clothes with red or green mildew only but not clothes with other color mildews. We can’t ask the priest that, the priest is busy making his own poor decisions (anyone seen Spotlight???).